BURNS First of all, Seb, I'd like to congratulate you on what's been a busy and exciting period.
CARDINAL It has been incredibly exciting. We're at the top of our game and enjoying every second of it.
B You look exhausted! But happy.
C Yes, it's been a long journey.
B Do you remember how we met, at film school?
C I seem to remember you were having a rough time with an ex-girlfriend at the time. You were talking about how you were going to go home and kill yourself. You went into this elaborate act of how you were going to do it. It turned into a bit of a mime.
B I did this thing where I was shooting myself in the mouth. I kept shooting bits of my mouth off and then picking up chunks of my face, being very depressed because I hadn't killed myself, merely disfigured myself.
C It was like an audition, really.
B Yes, I didn't realise it, but I was auditioning for you, wasn't I?
C Oh, yes. And were you happy when I gave you the part?
B Yes, very happy. Then I tried to impress you by doing keepie-ups with my head.
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C You could do seven. I decided you could be my friend.
B I was always the show-off. I remember at school, being the class clown. I'd be sitting at the back of the class, pretending to give birth to myself, or I'd arrive at class late, knock on the door and come in with my knees in my shoes. I think the teachers liked me deep down. Weren't you like that, Seb?
C No. No, I wasn't.
B Characters, that's something we should talk about. People often ask me how I come up with my characters.
C How do you come up with your characters, Dustin?
B It's observation. We used to go to Borders cafe and see all these international students eating ice-cream and drinking coffees. We imagined Yumi and Rachel from there.
C So we did a sketch based on that: you played an officious administrator giving me a hard time and eventually it turned into a fart gag.
B We do want to keep an element of real-life experience in our work; we don't want to be like those rock bands whose second album is all about how hard it is to be famous. We want to keep it real.
C I don't want to keep it real. You can keep it real and tell me what it's like. What are people like in shops, these days? That sort of thing.
B I like to think of ourselves as the Kanye West of comedy.
C What does that mean?
B That we're inventive and pushing the envelope. Or that we're arrogant.
C I thought we were the Nick Drake of comedy?
B Kanye West should consider himself the Cardinal Burns of hip-hop. Our profile is definitely higher now. I get a lot of people bringing me their children or animals to kiss. Or asking me to bless their shoes.
B So, Seb. If you were to have an "affair" with another comedian, who it would be and how would you get rid of me?
C Hmm. Well, while you were off filming Alpha Papa – never seen it – or whatever, I'd have an affair with David Earl, who plays Kev in Derek and plays characters who aren't camp, French or women, which is all you can do.
B You know, there is the prospect of us splitting and going head-to-head with our own rival projects. Yours would be Cardinal Sin, mine would be The Burns Unit.
C The next thing for us is film: we're planning a movie, currently. We enjoyed LA. We gave ourselves a week to break America, and we did. Everyone says it's tough to break America but really, it isn't, if you put the hours in.
B We can tick that one off the list. We loved Americans. Before long, we'll be on our porches in LA, our voices an octave lower, complaining about England: "I could never go back there. It's the weather more than anything. And everyone's so negative back home. Here it's a can-do mentality."
C After that, Belgium. That could be tough, that could take a fortnight.
B Then, ultimately, Glasgow.
Cardinal Burns is on in the UK on 21 May, 10.30pm, Channel 4